Um not quite found...

Starring at the name of my blog stings a bit...
Im not suppose to be bumming off of my old roomate, and living in Phoenix, AZ. Im suppose to be living in Flagstaff and attending NAU [Life in a Northern Town]. I work 10 hr shifts 4 days a week and live for my weekends... my weekends filled with "me time" or my bestie :), who i pathetically love entirely too much :/....fml.
Im starting all over again and it scares the crap out of me because it took me so long to get to a great spot in Flagstaff. How am i going to do school next semester? How am i going to make new friends? How am i going to stop loving this boy?! I could seriously go on but i get sick looking at stuff pathetically still not knowing who i am ....

Hello tomorrow..

Well my camera is broken:/(not that i have much skill anyway)... im not going to New Zealand... and i have to move back home for the summer to work 2 jobs. Im done depending on my mom, or anyone else for that matter. When is it wrong for a child to ask for help or need help for that matter. It should never be. Im scared, and desperate for stability. I can do this, I can make my dreams come true all by myself.... Ireland next summer here i come!

New Zealand!?! New world!?!?

This summer i will be embarking on what could possibly be the greatest summer of my life! Earlier this year if you asked me what my summer would be consisting of i would have replied with a somber "I'm working" or "idk picking up some extra classes".... BUT thanks to my buddy ole pal Brent, i am setting off to new uncharted territories... destination... NEW ZEALAND! Okay, so its not exactly "uncharted territories" but it is for us! Ive always known i was going to travel- I just never thought it would happen so soon in my life! This adventure will consist of working on locals farms for room and board and three meals a day. The weekends and nights however are ALL mine. The thought of all the shots (photo of course ;) i will encounter takes my breath away (literally). The sights and food and culture of New Zealand ahhhhhhhh May needs to get here quicker!!! Happy Birthday to meeeeeee

A prayer

Have you ever heard a song and instantly you were taken back? Do you often smell a certain scent, for me its cloves and pumpkin pie, and a smile beckons yours lips into that sweet curve? Do you find your thoughts traveling to the past more than the future, or present time? I never knew it was possible to have so many regrets at my age, but i stand here inevitably correcting myself.... over and over again.
That song replays in my head-there goes another memory, a thought stricken with happier times, and tinges of sadness....
It never ceases to amaze me the longer we as human beings have to live in the moment but so few of us actually do.
I don't quite understand who i am or what the hell I'm doing with my life, or why my past is filled with what my life has been up to this point.... Will it make sense someday? I miss my past... I'm unable to let it go, and i SO desperately need to. Its a new chapter, its a new day...... Why do i hold on to those songs, smells, and memories? Grant me the strength and courage to break free from the chain of my own restraint, and move on with my life.... Amen

Lost

Tonight I'm lost within my own thoughts, like literally stuck in my own head...words impale me and pondering hinders my ever urge to write...

Defying Gravity and every ounce of shit thrown my way...

Bring me down? I think not. College has started and a new era of my life has FINALLY begun! I was right to be cautious and skeptical of him (I hate being right), but even so i find myself happier than I've ever been. I had a GREAT summer romance, one I've dreamt of for years... Being in a new town i find myself wondering around with fresh virgin, yes virgin, eyes. The lines and depth of this city feel my eyes with nothing but smiles :)))! It's incredible how a simple flower along a sidewalk can look like nothing but just an ordinary flower to a local here, but to me,to me its a whole new world-a whole new hemisphere of imaginary detail and perspective reality. Every detail of every cracked wall engulf my senses everyday, and that's exactly what i need right now. I need to flourish as ME for once not someone else's support- I'm finally going to support myself! If that means walking the streets idly lonesome, to see the thousands of inspirational "nothings" that entice my new city, so be it. Bring on the passion, bring on the work, bring on my future!

Fantasy hmmm Reality?!?

Do we all live, to some extent, in a fantasy world we all DESPERATELY need to exist in order for sanity to succeed? I awake every morning, roll over and beg for two more seconds to exist in the reality of my dreams.... I reach for a pillow and hold it tight-knowing it's just a pillow but i simply create the illusion that quite possibly it could very well be him. Am i insane?!? I barely know him, but little does he know I've given him all of me... They're you go again Bobbi, Great Freakin Job. I realized tonight in my fantasy world that no other girls exist, but reality has a different angle to show me. I also realized tonight that i trust him- I trust him because i love him, and for that i believe i am truly full of foolish idiocy....

mmmmmmmmmmm... Banana Pancakes:)

I'm scared for that day to come when my fantasy world is no more. I'm scared for history to repeat itself and leave me stranded with nothing left to give. I'm terrified to wake up in the morning and not see his face, or reach for that god-forsaken pillow!

I pinch myself sometimes when i think of his smile... something that pure and blissful couldn't possibly be real... He makes pain seem impossible and all TOO real all wrapped up into one. He forces me out of my comfort zone, he infuriates me with looks and his attitude could test the patients of a saint, but i adore every inch of him all the same. Is it right to tremble at the thought of loosing someone you've only been with for three weeks?

Three weeks of heaven

Three weeks of bliss

Three weeks of pure happiness

Three weeks of unadulterated connection

I feel like screaming sometimes... Why would the universe hand you something this good only to not make it last? Do i believe in happy endings anymore? ya... that's what scares me... Will i be blinded by my adoration this time around, or will i finally get to stop waiting for something to fall through the roof of the ruins in which my story lies?

....Gently yet firm he grasps my face between his palms, You're Beautiful! Life Is Good!