I realize its cliche to talk about boys, but that happens to be my frustration tonight!?! Hell every night for the past year it seems....anyway what do you do when you don't know what to do? What is your possible options??? As a teenager "love" plays with you hardcore and friendships disintegrate at the drop of a hat. So whats real and whats bound to just be Teenage emotion? When do we finally grow up and hit "self actualization" (in the words of maslow) and when do our feelings stop being masked by lust of jealousy or ....anger?
I have this friend .... lets call him Pablo. He's sweet, caring, dense, and certainly immature most of the time but what boy isn't. His freedom is what draws me to him. I can just drop everything and leave on a rode trip with him tomorrow and he would be down, but his immaturity and two facedness keeps him at strictly friend status! If he only knew how much i cared for him ... "If only if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was just a little bit softer, while the wolf waits below hungry and lonely. He cries to the moo-oo-oon, If only, if only." ..... Best friends don't treat each other like this :(
Now there's this other boy lets call him Franky...He holds my heart in the palm of his hand and crushes it whenever he gets the chance. I find myself constantly looking for flaws in everything he does. Is that wrong? I have so much resentment for this boy for the hurt he's put me through... at times i think angry is all ill ever be. BUT at the same time he makes me smile that stupid smile i could just smack right off my face, and when I'm away from him for too long i get butterflies wishing i was with him. I LOVE the way my fingers fit perfectly in the spaces of his hand, and i know his eyes as if they were my own. I wake up every morning thinking ... today will be the day he changes! and go to sleep almost every night hoping for a better tomorrow. Friends tell me go to college and you'll meet others ... but i grew up with him, Franky knows me sometimes better then i know myself. How do i let go of the past and let him back into my life.... How does someone forgive? When Will i know i any of the answers i seek?
I wish life was as simple as eating a Popsicle on the play ground in kindergarten with your buddy who just like to play in the mud, and get bruised up because there were too many adventures to be had. I miss back when boys didn't hurt you, and cooties was something your older sister talked about, and it didn't matter what gender your friend was cuz you just liked the same flavor sucker and had the same favorite color....... if only if only
