A prayer

Have you ever heard a song and instantly you were taken back? Do you often smell a certain scent, for me its cloves and pumpkin pie, and a smile beckons yours lips into that sweet curve? Do you find your thoughts traveling to the past more than the future, or present time? I never knew it was possible to have so many regrets at my age, but i stand here inevitably correcting myself.... over and over again.
That song replays in my head-there goes another memory, a thought stricken with happier times, and tinges of sadness....
It never ceases to amaze me the longer we as human beings have to live in the moment but so few of us actually do.
I don't quite understand who i am or what the hell I'm doing with my life, or why my past is filled with what my life has been up to this point.... Will it make sense someday? I miss my past... I'm unable to let it go, and i SO desperately need to. Its a new chapter, its a new day...... Why do i hold on to those songs, smells, and memories? Grant me the strength and courage to break free from the chain of my own restraint, and move on with my life.... Amen

Lost

Tonight I'm lost within my own thoughts, like literally stuck in my own head...words impale me and pondering hinders my ever urge to write...

Defying Gravity and every ounce of shit thrown my way...

Bring me down? I think not. College has started and a new era of my life has FINALLY begun! I was right to be cautious and skeptical of him (I hate being right), but even so i find myself happier than I've ever been. I had a GREAT summer romance, one I've dreamt of for years... Being in a new town i find myself wondering around with fresh virgin, yes virgin, eyes. The lines and depth of this city feel my eyes with nothing but smiles :)))! It's incredible how a simple flower along a sidewalk can look like nothing but just an ordinary flower to a local here, but to me,to me its a whole new world-a whole new hemisphere of imaginary detail and perspective reality. Every detail of every cracked wall engulf my senses everyday, and that's exactly what i need right now. I need to flourish as ME for once not someone else's support- I'm finally going to support myself! If that means walking the streets idly lonesome, to see the thousands of inspirational "nothings" that entice my new city, so be it. Bring on the passion, bring on the work, bring on my future!

Fantasy hmmm Reality?!?

Do we all live, to some extent, in a fantasy world we all DESPERATELY need to exist in order for sanity to succeed? I awake every morning, roll over and beg for two more seconds to exist in the reality of my dreams.... I reach for a pillow and hold it tight-knowing it's just a pillow but i simply create the illusion that quite possibly it could very well be him. Am i insane?!? I barely know him, but little does he know I've given him all of me... They're you go again Bobbi, Great Freakin Job. I realized tonight in my fantasy world that no other girls exist, but reality has a different angle to show me. I also realized tonight that i trust him- I trust him because i love him, and for that i believe i am truly full of foolish idiocy....

mmmmmmmmmmm... Banana Pancakes:)

I'm scared for that day to come when my fantasy world is no more. I'm scared for history to repeat itself and leave me stranded with nothing left to give. I'm terrified to wake up in the morning and not see his face, or reach for that god-forsaken pillow!

I pinch myself sometimes when i think of his smile... something that pure and blissful couldn't possibly be real... He makes pain seem impossible and all TOO real all wrapped up into one. He forces me out of my comfort zone, he infuriates me with looks and his attitude could test the patients of a saint, but i adore every inch of him all the same. Is it right to tremble at the thought of loosing someone you've only been with for three weeks?

Three weeks of heaven

Three weeks of bliss

Three weeks of pure happiness

Three weeks of unadulterated connection

I feel like screaming sometimes... Why would the universe hand you something this good only to not make it last? Do i believe in happy endings anymore? ya... that's what scares me... Will i be blinded by my adoration this time around, or will i finally get to stop waiting for something to fall through the roof of the ruins in which my story lies?

....Gently yet firm he grasps my face between his palms, You're Beautiful! Life Is Good!

Forbidden Fruit& Farwells

Three more Mondays of school left and this boy tells me that im amazing. Five more Mondays and i move.... He gets my heartache, I can talk to him for hours-I do talk to him for hours... He tells me im destined for greatness because i know who I am. He makes me laugh. We connect....

He's my exes newfound besty...He goes to my school...he's forbidden fruit

He gives me hope though; Hope that someday ill get over my ex and be happy again. One foot infront of the other- tomorrow is ofcourse a new day :)..

Silver Lining

Just when you think you've hit absolute rock bottom the clouds often part slightly and a gleam of sunshine shows through. I love finding smiles in the most uncommon of places! When you think you know someone they floor you in the most pleasant of ways :).... I had the most shitty night last night... the shittiest in a year, and today i talked to someone i havent in a long time and i find myself smiling even through the tears. I dont quite understand forgiveness but im gonna try it see where it takes me. I like this being happy thing.... funny thing is for once this has nothing to do with a boy..... need sleep must stop ranting

SMILE TODAY!

BoYs!?

I realize its cliche to talk about boys, but that happens to be my frustration tonight!?! Hell every night for the past year it seems....anyway what do you do when you don't know what to do? What is your possible options??? As a teenager "love" plays with you hardcore and friendships disintegrate at the drop of a hat. So whats real and whats bound to just be Teenage emotion? When do we finally grow up and hit "self actualization" (in the words of maslow) and when do our feelings stop being masked by lust of jealousy or ....anger?

I have this friend .... lets call him Pablo. He's sweet, caring, dense, and certainly immature most of the time but what boy isn't. His freedom is what draws me to him. I can just drop everything and leave on a rode trip with him tomorrow and he would be down, but his immaturity and two facedness keeps him at strictly friend status! If he only knew how much i cared for him ... "If only if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was just a little bit softer, while the wolf waits below hungry and lonely. He cries to the moo-oo-oon, If only, if only." ..... Best friends don't treat each other like this :(

Now there's this other boy lets call him Franky...He holds my heart in the palm of his hand and crushes it whenever he gets the chance. I find myself constantly looking for flaws in everything he does. Is that wrong? I have so much resentment for this boy for the hurt he's put me through... at times i think angry is all ill ever be. BUT at the same time he makes me smile that stupid smile i could just smack right off my face, and when I'm away from him for too long i get butterflies wishing i was with him. I LOVE the way my fingers fit perfectly in the spaces of his hand, and i know his eyes as if they were my own. I wake up every morning thinking ... today will be the day he changes! and go to sleep almost every night hoping for a better tomorrow. Friends tell me go to college and you'll meet others ... but i grew up with him, Franky knows me sometimes better then i know myself. How do i let go of the past and let him back into my life.... How does someone forgive? When Will i know i any of the answers i seek?

I wish life was as simple as eating a Popsicle on the play ground in kindergarten with your buddy who just like to play in the mud, and get bruised up because there were too many adventures to be had. I miss back when boys didn't hurt you, and cooties was something your older sister talked about, and it didn't matter what gender your friend was cuz you just liked the same flavor sucker and had the same favorite color....... if only if only

California escape!

Graduation is in 27 days, give or take, and im needless to say FREAKING OUT! So what better than to take a trip with my bestie, Hali, to a beautiful far-away land i like to call CalI!? I just spent the best week of my life shopping and laying on the beaches of Santa Barbara.

This mini vacation has opened my eyes to the world out there and i cant wait to see every corner of it:) Traveling and taking pictures what a freaking life!?!?!?